"Making love to fat chick is like riding a moped. They both are a lot of fun to ride but you don't want anyone to see you on them."
"Apparently, O.J. Simpson is taking correspondence courses to become a lawyer. I think that's a great idea. He's going to save so much money on his next murder."
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"
Free dinners.
You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports.
If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being.
A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned.
If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud.
If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup.
If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser.
You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
Brad Pitt.
You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers.
When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.
If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with him.
If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with him.
If you don't shave, no one will know.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
You can dress yourself.
There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said,"We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.
The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"